Sh-- my Ebonic Dad Says - Best Quotes from the Late Great Lonnie Johnson

My Dad being his usual self on my Mom's last birthday.

One of the things that I will miss the most about my Dad is the fact that he was simply one of the funniest people Ive ever met. Half the time without even trying to be. As a function of that, earlier this year, I got into a habit of writing down things he would say with the eventual goal of sharing the list with him. Since his passing was relatively sudden however, I only managed to write down 12 of them, and I felt that the best thing I could do was simply share all 12 with everyone else. For better or worse, I feel that the kind of things he would say could paint a far more accurate and complete portrayal of the complexity of his character than anything I could ever write about him. While the other blog entries I wrote were more about intelligent, passionate, articulate social activist that everyone else knew, this one is about the ceaselessly comical person I grew up calling "Dad". I hope that everyone who reads this list finds it as funny as I do. Even just in typing it out, I couldn't help but smile.

12. On the weather this summer:

Hot damn, its hotter than Dutch love outside! 

11. On Skype: 

Only $10 for a few months?? Damn, you cant beat that with a stick man! 

10. On using credit cards to pay off debt:

Aww sh*it man, that just robbing Peter to pay Paul. 

 9. On politely informing someone that their dishonesty is apparent:

Well piss in my pocket and tell me it's rainin'! 

 8. On the financial crisis: 

Those damn banks are f*cking us hard, and the bastards didn't even bother to kiss us first!

 7. On hitting rock bottom: 

Man, that fool doesn't have a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out of. 

 6. On letting go of inefficient workers:

Sheee-it, one monkey didn't start no show, and it sure as hell ain't gon end it. 

 5. On partying: 

That sh*t was off tha hook! Brothas was comin' in three on a mule man! 

 4. On positively praising your friends' selection of attire:

Did you see my man's suit? Hot dog! Brotha's looking sharp as a Harlem sissy on Saturday night!

 3. On the Eye of Sauron from Lord of the Rings:

Tha sh*t looks like a big flamin' p*ssy. 

(Keep in mind that he said this outloud in a crowded movie theatre full of kids. The funny thing is though, if you look at it, he's totally right.)

 2. On Proposing to my Mom (in a KFC of all places)

Woman... There comes a time where a man has to either sh*t or get off the pot. 

 (The fact that she actually said yes to that still blows my mind).

 And the number one quote...This was the last thing he said to me on the phone before I got on the plane to come and see him before he passed.

 Mom: Be safe, love. And if you can't be safe, be careful.
 Dad: (yelling across the room): And if ya can't be careful name it after me, haha! 

 Love and miss you, Pops. You may be gone, but you're never over.