Sh-- my Japanese Wife Says

Mars and I on our wedding day

Well, now that Mari and I have tied the knot, it would seem as though I can no longer call this "Sh-- my Japanese girlfriend says." However, as long as our relationship continues, (and as long as she still continues to focus on other languages besides English) I have a feeling that this will not be the last time I post this blog either. Hope you find it as entertaining as I did when she actually said all this stuff.

On shopping for the home:
M: Chuck, I think we need a Thermo-detector.
C: A what?
M: You know, the armpit thing that says temperature.
C: Ahh, you mean a thermometer. Got it.

While we are listening to "We are Young":
M: Chuck, why is this guy singing to R. Kelly?
C: What do you mean?
M: In the song, he keeps saying, "R. Kelly, you're home."
C: No Mars, he's saying, "I'll carry you home."

On selling things through the internet: 
I can't believe Amaz*n takes 20%! They are IT Yakuza.

On watching movies: 
M: Chuck, what's that one movie... its suspense and there's police, and they are asking a retard.
C: ...? Wait...you mean The Usual Suspects?
M: Yeah, that!

While watching Dark Shadows:
C: I wonder what Succubus means...
M: A female demon who comes to men while they are sleeping to seduce them and steal their semen.
C: How in the hell do you know that?!
M: Chuck, this is Japan. Haven't you ever played videogames here?

On work relations: 
M: Working with that company really fattagews me.
C: Huh?
M: It fattagews me.
C:...?
M: Fattagew. You know, F-A-T-I-G-U-E. Geez, Chuck. Learn to speak English.

On Facebook:
M: Eh? What is this "poke" thing?
C: Its just so people can get your attention or remind you that they are out there.
M: Really? Is there a "F--- you" poke?

On Family:
M: Chuck, when your Mom comes to visit, I don't know how we are going to get her around without wiping her off.
C: Huh? What would we need to wipe her off for?
M: Eh? You know what I mean. Make her tired.
C: Ahh... You are afraid of wiping her OUT. Gotcha.

On Personal Computing:
M: Chuck, I was really having a hard time with that DVD player. I just couldn't get it to ejectulate.

On History:
M: Chuck, is Brad Pitt named after Dracula?
C: No...why would you think Brad Pitt is named after Dracula?
M: Dracula's real name was Brad the impaler wasn't it?

On the entertainment industry:
C: Its really a bummer to hear about that actor ending up in jail because he was stealing because he was broke.
M: Yeah, it is. But I'm sure he's not the only one. He is just the corner of the glacier.
C: You mean tip of the iceberg?
M: Yeah, that.

On Venus Flytraps:
M: Chuck when are you going to get Vlad (my venus flytrap) an endorsement?
C: Huh?
M: Didn't you say Venus Flytraps get endorsements for the winter?
C: Get endorsements? You mean "go dormant"?
M: Ahh, yeah, that.