Sh-- my Japanese Wife Says 5

(The wifey shopping at Home Depot)

1) While singing to myself a children's song I teach at camp.
M: Oh my god, do you really teach that to kids?
C: Yeah, why not?
M: Because you are talking about climbing on a pile of shit. That's disgusting.
C: No dude! I said, "I climbed aboard the PIRATE SHIP."

2) While visiting the states
M: That car is cute... What's it called.
C: "The Cougar"
M: Eh? You named a car after horny old women? America is amazing...

3) On getting ready for bed
M: Did you goggles?
C: Huh?
M: Sorry, I meant google.
C: Google what?
M: Listerine.
C: Why would I google listerine?
M: So you can get ready for bed.
C: Oh, you mean GARGLE.
M: Isn't that what I said?

4) On American Ice Cream
C: Hey Mars, try this ice cream. It's amazing.
M: What flavor is it?
C: Chocolate cookie dough.
M: Egh, I can't eat that.
C: Why?!
M: It's raw.
C: Yah, but you eat eggs, fish and horse raw!
M: Yeah, but cookie dough is different. No thanks.
(I finally convince her to try it).
M: Well, that tastes nothing like a cookie at all. Keep it. I'll stick with my raw fish.

5) After watching "This is the End"
By the way, did you know that James Franco was a UCLA Aluminium?

6) On the American Legal System.
C: Mars, what did you think of the George Zimmerman case?
M: I completely agreed with the prostitution. He should have gone to jail.

7) As the previous conversation continues...
By the way... What's the  meaning of the word prostitute, anyway?
A woman who sleeps with dudes for money.
I know, but I mean the word itself. Pro means professional right? And stitution is the same as institution right? Does that mean that it's a professional institution?
I guess so... Never really thought about it...

8) On American Lunches
C: Mars?
M: Yeah?
C: You know I love it when you make me American style lunches, right?
M: I know, that's why I do it. :)
C: Then the next time could you please put the peanut butter and the jelly in the same sandwich?
M: Why would I do that?
C: Because it tastes really good that way.
(Moment of silence while she processes the idea)
M: Well that's just crazy talk. Next you'll be telling me you don't want me to put salt on your watermelon.

9) On the weather
M: Chuck, be careful outside. The urologist said it's going to be super hot.
C: What? Who?
M: The weather guy.
C: Oh, you mean the meteorologist. Gotcha.

10) On High School Functions
C: Did I ever tell you about the time I was in a high school pep rally?
M: Huh? What about pepperoni?
C: No dude, pep rally.
M: Pepperoni?
C: PEP RALLY
M: (She works through it slowly) Pe-pu-ra-ri... Still sounds like pepperoni.

11) After watching "Ted"

M: What are you singing?
C: The Flash Gordon theme song.
M: How does it go?
C: Pretty simple really... Flash! Ah-ah! Savior of the Universe!
M: Damn, how many times do you Americans have to save the friggin universe?