Sh*t my Japanese Wife Says: Part 3

With the Mrs. in Harajuku

Recently, Mars and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary. As we continue to work through this odd little living situation that we commonly refer to as "marriage" she continues to keep me thoroughly entertained just with all the funny little things she says. The following is the latest installment. More to come again soon, Im sure. :)

1. Friend: Chuck, I think your wife here is a very rare kind of girl.
M: Thank you so much for saying so.
M: (Whispering to me): Chuck, why did he just call me half-cooked?

2. Chuck: Mars, do you remember what the seat I proposed to you at looked like? There's so many along this river, I can't remember which one it was.
M: It had a strange shape. It was either an rectagon, an octangle, or a decepticon.



3. M: Did you forget already? I put a towel in the bathroom for you.
C: Oh yeah, sorry. Sure did.
M: You're a cock.
C: What?
M: It's a Japanese expression. A chicken can't take three steps before it forgets where it's going.
C: Ah, okay, gotcha.

4. (After watching Iron Man 3)
M: What's the name of the Marvel guy again?
C: Stan Lee.
M: Is he related to Spike Lee?
C: Not that I know of babe.

5. Watching Nicki Minaj's "Stupid Hoe"
M: My grandmother gonna have heartattack watching this.

6: M: Chuck!! I just saw the craziest shit on TV! There was this truck with huge wheels that was shooting fire and running over other cars for no reason! What the hell kind of entertainment is this?!

7. (While watching the video for Bruno Mars' "Locked out of Heaven").
M: I don't believe Bruno Mars made a song about a sex tape.
C: Huh?
M: In the song he keeps saying: You sex tape me to paradise.
C: No dude, he's saying Your sex takes me to paradise.
M: Ah, okay.

8. (On our way to the airport in Michigan)
C: Wow, it's times like these that I am really glad I can read. Having to navigate through all this crap would be a bitch if I couldn't.
M: Yeah, Im really glad you're irr-literatured myself.

9. C: Are you serious?
M: Totally. Cross my heart, hope to die, and poke me in the eye with a needle.

10: M: Ah, there's a monkey fly in my stomach.
C: You mean there's butterflies in your stomach.
M: Yeah.
C: Why? You nervous?
M: No, I can't think of a word.
C: You mean it's on the tip of your tongue?
M: Yeah, that.
C: ...Where in the hell did you get "monkey flies" from?

Sh-- my Japanese Girlfriend Says

Mari at her Dad's place in Tokyo.

My fiancé Mari is one of the most brilliant people I've ever met. In addition to running her own company (she started her first business when she was 18), English is only one of a multitude of languages she speaks (we are currently studying Chinese and Spanish together), and she learned pretty much all of them all her own.

One of the interesting things about our relationship however is the fact that despite that, her near-perfect memory, and how quickly she learns, she still hasn't quite mastered the subtle nuances of my language and culture any more than I have hers. As a function of that, on the downside, it means we need to be extra-careful about communicating clearly, but on the plus-side, it also means that much like much like my Pops, she tends to say things that I find to be ceaselessly entertaining.

The following list consists of my personal favorite conversations thus far, and provided she continues to be cool with it, I look forward to sharing more of them. Im still trying to get her to make a similar list of sh-- I say (and do) in Japanese... If she does, I will be sure to get that up as well.

17. After she got home from work
MARI: Ahh... I really need to rewind.
CHUCK: You mean "unwind"?
MARI: Yeah, that.

16. Getting ready to go to Bali
M: Chuck, can you call the hotel and get a confirmination?
C: Sure babe, I'll confirminate our reservation immediately.

15. After a business deal went sour
M: I couldn't believe that they tried that! I was soooo pissed! I outta sue them! I deserve constipation damn it!
C: .... You mean compensation?
M: Yeah that!

14. After dinner
M: Ugh! What is that smell?!
C: Whoops... Sorry about that babe... It was the beans.
(She goes to look up something in her electronic dictionary)
M: You are... bio-chemical weapon.

13. As I come into the bathroom, and see her on her knees with her head behind the toilet
C: Mars, what are you looking for? 
M: Justice.
(Still have no idea what she meant by that one.)

12. While watching "The Bodyguard"
C: Mars, you don't know who Dolly Parton is?
M: Never heard of him.
C:  Dolly Parton isn't a guy.
M: She's not an ex-girlfriend is she?
*The theme song,"I will always love you." was originally sung by Dolly Parton. 

11. At the video store
C: Hey babe, have you seen "The Last King of Scotland" yet?
M: No, that's the movie with Forest Whiskers right?

M: Why don't we get a fantasy movie... Like the Chronicles of Armenia.
(Im guessing she meant Narnia).

10. While I'm watching videos on YouTube
M: Chuck, who is that?
C: That's Spike Lee.
M: Really?! He's black?! I'll be damned...all this time I thought he was Chinese....
 (The funny thing is, she argued with me for about 20 minutes on this one...finally she had to google other pictures of him to confirminate it.) 

9. Later on.
M: Is that Mike Tyson?
C: No babe.... That's Michael Jordan.

8. Later on still...
M: Chuck, I really wanna see that documentary about Revlon. 
C: Which documentary about Revlon?
M: You know...the basketball player in the Drake video, "Forever".
C: .... (a few minutes later). Oh, you mean, Lebron?!
 (In Japanese, much like Korean and Chinese, there is no differentiate between R / L, and B / V) 

7. While discussing videogames
 M: Are Mario and Luigi Mexicans?

6. While getting dinner ready
M: Chuck, you need to eat your Massacre Tears before it goes bad. You've been saving it for forever now.
C: My what?
M: The chocolate bar you brought back from the states.
C: Oh, you mean my 3 Muskateers?

5. While shopping for books on Amazon
M: Chuck, what was that book you told me about? Catch Me in the Lye?


4. While thinking about the future
M: Chuck, if we have kids, what religion are we going to raise them as?
C: I don't know... I'm a Christian, so Christian, I guess.
M: Does that mean if it's a boy, we'll have to get him circumstanced?

3. During a political discussion
C: Mars, are you familiar with the term, Uncle Sam?
M: Yeah, that's the ex-slave guy, right?
C: No Mars, thats Uncle Tom.
M: Oh, then you mean the guy on the rice box?
C: No Mars, thats Uncle Ben.
M: Why do you Americans have so many uncles?

2. During a different political discussion
C: Mars, do you know the word, "Derogatory"
M: Yeah, that's the place in-betwen heaven and hell, right?
C: No babe, thats purgatory.

 And the number one cutest and funniest thing she's ever said:

1. Before dinner 
C: Hey babe, is that chicken ready yet? What's taking so long?
M: Damn it Chuck! Be patient! Don't leave your panties in a bush!
 (I'm assuming she meant, Don't get your panties in a bunch).