Sh*t my Japanese Wife Says 6

1. (While walking down the street and humming to myself)
M: Are you singing that song again?
C: Which one?
M: the one from the Movie TED... The Flash Gordon- Savior-of-the-Uterus one.

2. (While listening to an old tape I found).
M: I love old school rap! Is this Nutritious B.I.G.?

3. (Over Dinner)
C: Mars, sometimes I think you've got me wrapped around my finger.
M: What does that mean?
C: It means you have perfect control. Actually, the expression is thousands of years old. It comes from Old English Falconry.
M: Wait, Falcons are real?? I thought someone made them up for Final Fantasy...

4. (While the Metallica video for ONE on YouTube- she walks in) 
Who are these guys? They all look like Keifer Sutherland with long hair.

5. (On the good ol' days)
So, when you were younger did you ever go those old school roller coaster rinks?

6. (On life in Tokyo)
C: Shibuya was crazy today. Seems like throngs of dudes were just coming out everywhere!
M: What?! Were they arrested??
C: Why would they be arrested?
M: Because you can't do that in public.
C: Do what?
(She gestures).
M: No dude!! Not shlongs of dudes, THRONGS of dudes!
C: Ah, okay... Sorry, I'd never heard the word before.

7. (On my attitude)
Chuck, stop being such an ego-testicle!

8. (On people who need to relax)
M: That guy is so anal. Somebody needs to give him an enigma.
C: You mean Enima?
M: Yeah, whatever.

9. (On R & B artists)
How do you say Donguri in English?
Acorn.
Oh! like the singer?
No dude, that's Akon.
 (Aparently, they are spelled the same in Japanese).

10. (On Hollywood)
Wanna get a movie tonight?
Sure, how about The Hangover Games?

11. (On Irritating People)
She really pushes my nerve hairs backwards!
(She rubs me the wrong way).

Sh*t my Japanese Wife Says: Part 3

With the Mrs. in Harajuku

Recently, Mars and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary. As we continue to work through this odd little living situation that we commonly refer to as "marriage" she continues to keep me thoroughly entertained just with all the funny little things she says. The following is the latest installment. More to come again soon, Im sure. :)

1. Friend: Chuck, I think your wife here is a very rare kind of girl.
M: Thank you so much for saying so.
M: (Whispering to me): Chuck, why did he just call me half-cooked?

2. Chuck: Mars, do you remember what the seat I proposed to you at looked like? There's so many along this river, I can't remember which one it was.
M: It had a strange shape. It was either an rectagon, an octangle, or a decepticon.



3. M: Did you forget already? I put a towel in the bathroom for you.
C: Oh yeah, sorry. Sure did.
M: You're a cock.
C: What?
M: It's a Japanese expression. A chicken can't take three steps before it forgets where it's going.
C: Ah, okay, gotcha.

4. (After watching Iron Man 3)
M: What's the name of the Marvel guy again?
C: Stan Lee.
M: Is he related to Spike Lee?
C: Not that I know of babe.

5. Watching Nicki Minaj's "Stupid Hoe"
M: My grandmother gonna have heartattack watching this.

6: M: Chuck!! I just saw the craziest shit on TV! There was this truck with huge wheels that was shooting fire and running over other cars for no reason! What the hell kind of entertainment is this?!

7. (While watching the video for Bruno Mars' "Locked out of Heaven").
M: I don't believe Bruno Mars made a song about a sex tape.
C: Huh?
M: In the song he keeps saying: You sex tape me to paradise.
C: No dude, he's saying Your sex takes me to paradise.
M: Ah, okay.

8. (On our way to the airport in Michigan)
C: Wow, it's times like these that I am really glad I can read. Having to navigate through all this crap would be a bitch if I couldn't.
M: Yeah, Im really glad you're irr-literatured myself.

9. C: Are you serious?
M: Totally. Cross my heart, hope to die, and poke me in the eye with a needle.

10: M: Ah, there's a monkey fly in my stomach.
C: You mean there's butterflies in your stomach.
M: Yeah.
C: Why? You nervous?
M: No, I can't think of a word.
C: You mean it's on the tip of your tongue?
M: Yeah, that.
C: ...Where in the hell did you get "monkey flies" from?

Sh-- my Japanese Wife Says

Mars and I on our wedding day

Well, now that Mari and I have tied the knot, it would seem as though I can no longer call this "Sh-- my Japanese girlfriend says." However, as long as our relationship continues, (and as long as she still continues to focus on other languages besides English) I have a feeling that this will not be the last time I post this blog either. Hope you find it as entertaining as I did when she actually said all this stuff.

On shopping for the home:
M: Chuck, I think we need a Thermo-detector.
C: A what?
M: You know, the armpit thing that says temperature.
C: Ahh, you mean a thermometer. Got it.

While we are listening to "We are Young":
M: Chuck, why is this guy singing to R. Kelly?
C: What do you mean?
M: In the song, he keeps saying, "R. Kelly, you're home."
C: No Mars, he's saying, "I'll carry you home."

On selling things through the internet: 
I can't believe Amaz*n takes 20%! They are IT Yakuza.

On watching movies: 
M: Chuck, what's that one movie... its suspense and there's police, and they are asking a retard.
C: ...? Wait...you mean The Usual Suspects?
M: Yeah, that!

While watching Dark Shadows:
C: I wonder what Succubus means...
M: A female demon who comes to men while they are sleeping to seduce them and steal their semen.
C: How in the hell do you know that?!
M: Chuck, this is Japan. Haven't you ever played videogames here?

On work relations: 
M: Working with that company really fattagews me.
C: Huh?
M: It fattagews me.
C:...?
M: Fattagew. You know, F-A-T-I-G-U-E. Geez, Chuck. Learn to speak English.

On Facebook:
M: Eh? What is this "poke" thing?
C: Its just so people can get your attention or remind you that they are out there.
M: Really? Is there a "F--- you" poke?

On Family:
M: Chuck, when your Mom comes to visit, I don't know how we are going to get her around without wiping her off.
C: Huh? What would we need to wipe her off for?
M: Eh? You know what I mean. Make her tired.
C: Ahh... You are afraid of wiping her OUT. Gotcha.

On Personal Computing:
M: Chuck, I was really having a hard time with that DVD player. I just couldn't get it to ejectulate.

On History:
M: Chuck, is Brad Pitt named after Dracula?
C: No...why would you think Brad Pitt is named after Dracula?
M: Dracula's real name was Brad the impaler wasn't it?

On the entertainment industry:
C: Its really a bummer to hear about that actor ending up in jail because he was stealing because he was broke.
M: Yeah, it is. But I'm sure he's not the only one. He is just the corner of the glacier.
C: You mean tip of the iceberg?
M: Yeah, that.

On Venus Flytraps:
M: Chuck when are you going to get Vlad (my venus flytrap) an endorsement?
C: Huh?
M: Didn't you say Venus Flytraps get endorsements for the winter?
C: Get endorsements? You mean "go dormant"?
M: Ahh, yeah, that.

Sh-- my Japanese Girlfriend Says

Mari at her Dad's place in Tokyo.

My fiancé Mari is one of the most brilliant people I've ever met. In addition to running her own company (she started her first business when she was 18), English is only one of a multitude of languages she speaks (we are currently studying Chinese and Spanish together), and she learned pretty much all of them all her own.

One of the interesting things about our relationship however is the fact that despite that, her near-perfect memory, and how quickly she learns, she still hasn't quite mastered the subtle nuances of my language and culture any more than I have hers. As a function of that, on the downside, it means we need to be extra-careful about communicating clearly, but on the plus-side, it also means that much like much like my Pops, she tends to say things that I find to be ceaselessly entertaining.

The following list consists of my personal favorite conversations thus far, and provided she continues to be cool with it, I look forward to sharing more of them. Im still trying to get her to make a similar list of sh-- I say (and do) in Japanese... If she does, I will be sure to get that up as well.

17. After she got home from work
MARI: Ahh... I really need to rewind.
CHUCK: You mean "unwind"?
MARI: Yeah, that.

16. Getting ready to go to Bali
M: Chuck, can you call the hotel and get a confirmination?
C: Sure babe, I'll confirminate our reservation immediately.

15. After a business deal went sour
M: I couldn't believe that they tried that! I was soooo pissed! I outta sue them! I deserve constipation damn it!
C: .... You mean compensation?
M: Yeah that!

14. After dinner
M: Ugh! What is that smell?!
C: Whoops... Sorry about that babe... It was the beans.
(She goes to look up something in her electronic dictionary)
M: You are... bio-chemical weapon.

13. As I come into the bathroom, and see her on her knees with her head behind the toilet
C: Mars, what are you looking for? 
M: Justice.
(Still have no idea what she meant by that one.)

12. While watching "The Bodyguard"
C: Mars, you don't know who Dolly Parton is?
M: Never heard of him.
C:  Dolly Parton isn't a guy.
M: She's not an ex-girlfriend is she?
*The theme song,"I will always love you." was originally sung by Dolly Parton. 

11. At the video store
C: Hey babe, have you seen "The Last King of Scotland" yet?
M: No, that's the movie with Forest Whiskers right?

M: Why don't we get a fantasy movie... Like the Chronicles of Armenia.
(Im guessing she meant Narnia).

10. While I'm watching videos on YouTube
M: Chuck, who is that?
C: That's Spike Lee.
M: Really?! He's black?! I'll be damned...all this time I thought he was Chinese....
 (The funny thing is, she argued with me for about 20 minutes on this one...finally she had to google other pictures of him to confirminate it.) 

9. Later on.
M: Is that Mike Tyson?
C: No babe.... That's Michael Jordan.

8. Later on still...
M: Chuck, I really wanna see that documentary about Revlon. 
C: Which documentary about Revlon?
M: You know...the basketball player in the Drake video, "Forever".
C: .... (a few minutes later). Oh, you mean, Lebron?!
 (In Japanese, much like Korean and Chinese, there is no differentiate between R / L, and B / V) 

7. While discussing videogames
 M: Are Mario and Luigi Mexicans?

6. While getting dinner ready
M: Chuck, you need to eat your Massacre Tears before it goes bad. You've been saving it for forever now.
C: My what?
M: The chocolate bar you brought back from the states.
C: Oh, you mean my 3 Muskateers?

5. While shopping for books on Amazon
M: Chuck, what was that book you told me about? Catch Me in the Lye?


4. While thinking about the future
M: Chuck, if we have kids, what religion are we going to raise them as?
C: I don't know... I'm a Christian, so Christian, I guess.
M: Does that mean if it's a boy, we'll have to get him circumstanced?

3. During a political discussion
C: Mars, are you familiar with the term, Uncle Sam?
M: Yeah, that's the ex-slave guy, right?
C: No Mars, thats Uncle Tom.
M: Oh, then you mean the guy on the rice box?
C: No Mars, thats Uncle Ben.
M: Why do you Americans have so many uncles?

2. During a different political discussion
C: Mars, do you know the word, "Derogatory"
M: Yeah, that's the place in-betwen heaven and hell, right?
C: No babe, thats purgatory.

 And the number one cutest and funniest thing she's ever said:

1. Before dinner 
C: Hey babe, is that chicken ready yet? What's taking so long?
M: Damn it Chuck! Be patient! Don't leave your panties in a bush!
 (I'm assuming she meant, Don't get your panties in a bunch).