Sh*t my Japanese Wife Says 6

1. (While walking down the street and humming to myself)
M: Are you singing that song again?
C: Which one?
M: the one from the Movie TED... The Flash Gordon- Savior-of-the-Uterus one.

2. (While listening to an old tape I found).
M: I love old school rap! Is this Nutritious B.I.G.?

3. (Over Dinner)
C: Mars, sometimes I think you've got me wrapped around my finger.
M: What does that mean?
C: It means you have perfect control. Actually, the expression is thousands of years old. It comes from Old English Falconry.
M: Wait, Falcons are real?? I thought someone made them up for Final Fantasy...

4. (While the Metallica video for ONE on YouTube- she walks in) 
Who are these guys? They all look like Keifer Sutherland with long hair.

5. (On the good ol' days)
So, when you were younger did you ever go those old school roller coaster rinks?

6. (On life in Tokyo)
C: Shibuya was crazy today. Seems like throngs of dudes were just coming out everywhere!
M: What?! Were they arrested??
C: Why would they be arrested?
M: Because you can't do that in public.
C: Do what?
(She gestures).
M: No dude!! Not shlongs of dudes, THRONGS of dudes!
C: Ah, okay... Sorry, I'd never heard the word before.

7. (On my attitude)
Chuck, stop being such an ego-testicle!

8. (On people who need to relax)
M: That guy is so anal. Somebody needs to give him an enigma.
C: You mean Enima?
M: Yeah, whatever.

9. (On R & B artists)
How do you say Donguri in English?
Acorn.
Oh! like the singer?
No dude, that's Akon.
 (Aparently, they are spelled the same in Japanese).

10. (On Hollywood)
Wanna get a movie tonight?
Sure, how about The Hangover Games?

11. (On Irritating People)
She really pushes my nerve hairs backwards!
(She rubs me the wrong way).

Sh*t my Japanese Wife Says 4

Just thought it was time to share another round of awesome quotes from my amazing little wife.

1) On Ancient Greece
Mars: What were the names of those Greek guys we   talked about? Mercury and Sifilis?
Chuck: You mean Hercules and Sisyphus?
Mars: Yeah, them.

2) On Spending Money
C: Mars, Im thinking about investing some serious cash into some new camera equipment.
M: Really? If you want to do, go ahead. It's your money. But I don't wanna hear you whine and dine about how much you spent later.

3) On Long Summer Days Outside
M: Ugh, my shoes are Farmington.
C: Huh?
M: Like beer.
C: You mean fermented?
M: Yeah.
C: That still doesn't make any sense, dude.
M: I mean they stink!
C: Ah, okay, gotcha.

4) On Using Google
M: Damn it!
C: What's wrong?
M: I've been trying to find the spelling of this word for like 20 minutes, but it isn't on google.
C: What's the word?
M: "Sustificated"
C... Try "sophisticated".
A: Ah, okay! There it is. Thanks!

5) While Watching One of my Training Vids
M: You know, you are really a re-sell weapon.
C: Huh?
M: A re-sell weapon.
C: What's that?
M: Like the Bruce Willis movie.
C: Oh! A lethal weapon. Got it.

6) On English Swearing
M: The last order I made wasn't the shit.
C: Huh? You mean it wasn't the greatest?
M: Thats not what I mean.
C: So you mean it was "the shit", as in the greatest?
M: Nope.
C: So, you mean "it was shit" as in, it sucked?
M: No, I mean it wasn't nearly enough.
C: Ooooooh, you mean "It wasn't shit" then.
M: Why do you Americans make swearing so damn difficult?!!

7) On Reggae Music
(She runs to come and get me while I am shaving)
M: Chuck!! You gotta see this!!
(She turns on a reggae booty shake video on YouTube).
M: Her ass is like creature.

(After trying to imitate the video).
M: I want an ass like that...

8) On Housecleaning
M: Chuck, I want a bluemen's collector for the Balcony.
C: Huh?
M: A bluemen's collector.
C: What in the hell is a bluemen's collector? Like the group, Blue men?
M: No! BLOOM with a OO.
C: I still don't know what that is...
M: *sigh* She makes a sweeping motion.
C: Oooooh, you mean a "broom and dustpan". Gotcha.

9) While Watching "The Life of Pi"
A: What is that thing called in English?
B: A warthog.
A: Sounds like butthole.
B: What?! No dude! WARTHOG!

10) On Women's issues
M: Often when women have their time of month or get pregnant, their nipples become really sensible.

11) On Aging Hollywood Stars
C: Wow, Val Kilmer has really put on a few pounds.
(Mars walks in).
M: What did you say? (Looks at the screen). I didn't know you liked Steven Seagal movies.

Chuck Johnson on House Hunters International

I finally got the DVD back for the episode of House Hunters International I was on last year when I moved back to Japan. It was interesting to watch it, because usually anytime I see myself on television Im always playing a character or being someone or something else. As a reality show however, this was simply me being me, and much like when I am making "How to Defeat Dudes", in a way that makes it scarier. In the case of film, if someone dislikes your work or your acting, then thats just it- they dislike your work. In the case of reality-based stuff, you are a lot more vulnerable because you don't really have a character to hide behind. As everyone has somewhat of an ideal image that they want people to see them in, its actually surprisingly hard to just get in front of a camera and let yourself (with all your faults, idiosyncrasies, and peculiarities) hang out for all the world to see. I remember Bruce Lee commenting on that (3:55) in an old black and white TV interview I saw of him forever ago... but I didnt really understand what I meant until I had to do it myself. Anyway, overall Im pretty happy with how it turned out (except that we took soooo much good martial arts and action footage, and very little of it made it into the show), and I think the experience will make further interviews that much easier! Here it is if you wanna check it out!