Sh*t my Japanese Wife Says 6

1. (While walking down the street and humming to myself)
M: Are you singing that song again?
C: Which one?
M: the one from the Movie TED... The Flash Gordon- Savior-of-the-Uterus one.

2. (While listening to an old tape I found).
M: I love old school rap! Is this Nutritious B.I.G.?

3. (Over Dinner)
C: Mars, sometimes I think you've got me wrapped around my finger.
M: What does that mean?
C: It means you have perfect control. Actually, the expression is thousands of years old. It comes from Old English Falconry.
M: Wait, Falcons are real?? I thought someone made them up for Final Fantasy...

4. (While the Metallica video for ONE on YouTube- she walks in) 
Who are these guys? They all look like Keifer Sutherland with long hair.

5. (On the good ol' days)
So, when you were younger did you ever go those old school roller coaster rinks?

6. (On life in Tokyo)
C: Shibuya was crazy today. Seems like throngs of dudes were just coming out everywhere!
M: What?! Were they arrested??
C: Why would they be arrested?
M: Because you can't do that in public.
C: Do what?
(She gestures).
M: No dude!! Not shlongs of dudes, THRONGS of dudes!
C: Ah, okay... Sorry, I'd never heard the word before.

7. (On my attitude)
Chuck, stop being such an ego-testicle!

8. (On people who need to relax)
M: That guy is so anal. Somebody needs to give him an enigma.
C: You mean Enima?
M: Yeah, whatever.

9. (On R & B artists)
How do you say Donguri in English?
Acorn.
Oh! like the singer?
No dude, that's Akon.
 (Aparently, they are spelled the same in Japanese).

10. (On Hollywood)
Wanna get a movie tonight?
Sure, how about The Hangover Games?

11. (On Irritating People)
She really pushes my nerve hairs backwards!
(She rubs me the wrong way).

Sh*t my Japanese Wife Says 4

Just thought it was time to share another round of awesome quotes from my amazing little wife.

1) On Ancient Greece
Mars: What were the names of those Greek guys we   talked about? Mercury and Sifilis?
Chuck: You mean Hercules and Sisyphus?
Mars: Yeah, them.

2) On Spending Money
C: Mars, Im thinking about investing some serious cash into some new camera equipment.
M: Really? If you want to do, go ahead. It's your money. But I don't wanna hear you whine and dine about how much you spent later.

3) On Long Summer Days Outside
M: Ugh, my shoes are Farmington.
C: Huh?
M: Like beer.
C: You mean fermented?
M: Yeah.
C: That still doesn't make any sense, dude.
M: I mean they stink!
C: Ah, okay, gotcha.

4) On Using Google
M: Damn it!
C: What's wrong?
M: I've been trying to find the spelling of this word for like 20 minutes, but it isn't on google.
C: What's the word?
M: "Sustificated"
C... Try "sophisticated".
A: Ah, okay! There it is. Thanks!

5) While Watching One of my Training Vids
M: You know, you are really a re-sell weapon.
C: Huh?
M: A re-sell weapon.
C: What's that?
M: Like the Bruce Willis movie.
C: Oh! A lethal weapon. Got it.

6) On English Swearing
M: The last order I made wasn't the shit.
C: Huh? You mean it wasn't the greatest?
M: Thats not what I mean.
C: So you mean it was "the shit", as in the greatest?
M: Nope.
C: So, you mean "it was shit" as in, it sucked?
M: No, I mean it wasn't nearly enough.
C: Ooooooh, you mean "It wasn't shit" then.
M: Why do you Americans make swearing so damn difficult?!!

7) On Reggae Music
(She runs to come and get me while I am shaving)
M: Chuck!! You gotta see this!!
(She turns on a reggae booty shake video on YouTube).
M: Her ass is like creature.

(After trying to imitate the video).
M: I want an ass like that...

8) On Housecleaning
M: Chuck, I want a bluemen's collector for the Balcony.
C: Huh?
M: A bluemen's collector.
C: What in the hell is a bluemen's collector? Like the group, Blue men?
M: No! BLOOM with a OO.
C: I still don't know what that is...
M: *sigh* She makes a sweeping motion.
C: Oooooh, you mean a "broom and dustpan". Gotcha.

9) While Watching "The Life of Pi"
A: What is that thing called in English?
B: A warthog.
A: Sounds like butthole.
B: What?! No dude! WARTHOG!

10) On Women's issues
M: Often when women have their time of month or get pregnant, their nipples become really sensible.

11) On Aging Hollywood Stars
C: Wow, Val Kilmer has really put on a few pounds.
(Mars walks in).
M: What did you say? (Looks at the screen). I didn't know you liked Steven Seagal movies.

Sh*t my Japanese Wife Says: Part 3

With the Mrs. in Harajuku

Recently, Mars and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary. As we continue to work through this odd little living situation that we commonly refer to as "marriage" she continues to keep me thoroughly entertained just with all the funny little things she says. The following is the latest installment. More to come again soon, Im sure. :)

1. Friend: Chuck, I think your wife here is a very rare kind of girl.
M: Thank you so much for saying so.
M: (Whispering to me): Chuck, why did he just call me half-cooked?

2. Chuck: Mars, do you remember what the seat I proposed to you at looked like? There's so many along this river, I can't remember which one it was.
M: It had a strange shape. It was either an rectagon, an octangle, or a decepticon.



3. M: Did you forget already? I put a towel in the bathroom for you.
C: Oh yeah, sorry. Sure did.
M: You're a cock.
C: What?
M: It's a Japanese expression. A chicken can't take three steps before it forgets where it's going.
C: Ah, okay, gotcha.

4. (After watching Iron Man 3)
M: What's the name of the Marvel guy again?
C: Stan Lee.
M: Is he related to Spike Lee?
C: Not that I know of babe.

5. Watching Nicki Minaj's "Stupid Hoe"
M: My grandmother gonna have heartattack watching this.

6: M: Chuck!! I just saw the craziest shit on TV! There was this truck with huge wheels that was shooting fire and running over other cars for no reason! What the hell kind of entertainment is this?!

7. (While watching the video for Bruno Mars' "Locked out of Heaven").
M: I don't believe Bruno Mars made a song about a sex tape.
C: Huh?
M: In the song he keeps saying: You sex tape me to paradise.
C: No dude, he's saying Your sex takes me to paradise.
M: Ah, okay.

8. (On our way to the airport in Michigan)
C: Wow, it's times like these that I am really glad I can read. Having to navigate through all this crap would be a bitch if I couldn't.
M: Yeah, Im really glad you're irr-literatured myself.

9. C: Are you serious?
M: Totally. Cross my heart, hope to die, and poke me in the eye with a needle.

10: M: Ah, there's a monkey fly in my stomach.
C: You mean there's butterflies in your stomach.
M: Yeah.
C: Why? You nervous?
M: No, I can't think of a word.
C: You mean it's on the tip of your tongue?
M: Yeah, that.
C: ...Where in the hell did you get "monkey flies" from?

Sh-- my Ebonic Dad Says - Best Quotes from the Late Great Lonnie Johnson

My Dad being his usual self on my Mom's last birthday.

One of the things that I will miss the most about my Dad is the fact that he was simply one of the funniest people Ive ever met. Half the time without even trying to be. As a function of that, earlier this year, I got into a habit of writing down things he would say with the eventual goal of sharing the list with him. Since his passing was relatively sudden however, I only managed to write down 12 of them, and I felt that the best thing I could do was simply share all 12 with everyone else. For better or worse, I feel that the kind of things he would say could paint a far more accurate and complete portrayal of the complexity of his character than anything I could ever write about him. While the other blog entries I wrote were more about intelligent, passionate, articulate social activist that everyone else knew, this one is about the ceaselessly comical person I grew up calling "Dad". I hope that everyone who reads this list finds it as funny as I do. Even just in typing it out, I couldn't help but smile.

12. On the weather this summer:

Hot damn, its hotter than Dutch love outside! 

11. On Skype: 

Only $10 for a few months?? Damn, you cant beat that with a stick man! 

10. On using credit cards to pay off debt:

Aww sh*it man, that just robbing Peter to pay Paul. 

 9. On politely informing someone that their dishonesty is apparent:

Well piss in my pocket and tell me it's rainin'! 

 8. On the financial crisis: 

Those damn banks are f*cking us hard, and the bastards didn't even bother to kiss us first!

 7. On hitting rock bottom: 

Man, that fool doesn't have a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out of. 

 6. On letting go of inefficient workers:

Sheee-it, one monkey didn't start no show, and it sure as hell ain't gon end it. 

 5. On partying: 

That sh*t was off tha hook! Brothas was comin' in three on a mule man! 

 4. On positively praising your friends' selection of attire:

Did you see my man's suit? Hot dog! Brotha's looking sharp as a Harlem sissy on Saturday night!

 3. On the Eye of Sauron from Lord of the Rings:

Tha sh*t looks like a big flamin' p*ssy. 

(Keep in mind that he said this outloud in a crowded movie theatre full of kids. The funny thing is though, if you look at it, he's totally right.)

 2. On Proposing to my Mom (in a KFC of all places)

Woman... There comes a time where a man has to either sh*t or get off the pot. 

 (The fact that she actually said yes to that still blows my mind).

 And the number one quote...This was the last thing he said to me on the phone before I got on the plane to come and see him before he passed.

 Mom: Be safe, love. And if you can't be safe, be careful.
 Dad: (yelling across the room): And if ya can't be careful name it after me, haha! 

 Love and miss you, Pops. You may be gone, but you're never over.