Sh*t my Japanese Wife Says 4

Just thought it was time to share another round of awesome quotes from my amazing little wife.

1) On Ancient Greece
Mars: What were the names of those Greek guys we   talked about? Mercury and Sifilis?
Chuck: You mean Hercules and Sisyphus?
Mars: Yeah, them.

2) On Spending Money
C: Mars, Im thinking about investing some serious cash into some new camera equipment.
M: Really? If you want to do, go ahead. It's your money. But I don't wanna hear you whine and dine about how much you spent later.

3) On Long Summer Days Outside
M: Ugh, my shoes are Farmington.
C: Huh?
M: Like beer.
C: You mean fermented?
M: Yeah.
C: That still doesn't make any sense, dude.
M: I mean they stink!
C: Ah, okay, gotcha.

4) On Using Google
M: Damn it!
C: What's wrong?
M: I've been trying to find the spelling of this word for like 20 minutes, but it isn't on google.
C: What's the word?
M: "Sustificated"
C... Try "sophisticated".
A: Ah, okay! There it is. Thanks!

5) While Watching One of my Training Vids
M: You know, you are really a re-sell weapon.
C: Huh?
M: A re-sell weapon.
C: What's that?
M: Like the Bruce Willis movie.
C: Oh! A lethal weapon. Got it.

6) On English Swearing
M: The last order I made wasn't the shit.
C: Huh? You mean it wasn't the greatest?
M: Thats not what I mean.
C: So you mean it was "the shit", as in the greatest?
M: Nope.
C: So, you mean "it was shit" as in, it sucked?
M: No, I mean it wasn't nearly enough.
C: Ooooooh, you mean "It wasn't shit" then.
M: Why do you Americans make swearing so damn difficult?!!

7) On Reggae Music
(She runs to come and get me while I am shaving)
M: Chuck!! You gotta see this!!
(She turns on a reggae booty shake video on YouTube).
M: Her ass is like creature.

(After trying to imitate the video).
M: I want an ass like that...

8) On Housecleaning
M: Chuck, I want a bluemen's collector for the Balcony.
C: Huh?
M: A bluemen's collector.
C: What in the hell is a bluemen's collector? Like the group, Blue men?
M: No! BLOOM with a OO.
C: I still don't know what that is...
M: *sigh* She makes a sweeping motion.
C: Oooooh, you mean a "broom and dustpan". Gotcha.

9) While Watching "The Life of Pi"
A: What is that thing called in English?
B: A warthog.
A: Sounds like butthole.
B: What?! No dude! WARTHOG!

10) On Women's issues
M: Often when women have their time of month or get pregnant, their nipples become really sensible.

11) On Aging Hollywood Stars
C: Wow, Val Kilmer has really put on a few pounds.
(Mars walks in).
M: What did you say? (Looks at the screen). I didn't know you liked Steven Seagal movies.

Sh*t my Japanese Wife Says: Part 3

With the Mrs. in Harajuku

Recently, Mars and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary. As we continue to work through this odd little living situation that we commonly refer to as "marriage" she continues to keep me thoroughly entertained just with all the funny little things she says. The following is the latest installment. More to come again soon, Im sure. :)

1. Friend: Chuck, I think your wife here is a very rare kind of girl.
M: Thank you so much for saying so.
M: (Whispering to me): Chuck, why did he just call me half-cooked?

2. Chuck: Mars, do you remember what the seat I proposed to you at looked like? There's so many along this river, I can't remember which one it was.
M: It had a strange shape. It was either an rectagon, an octangle, or a decepticon.



3. M: Did you forget already? I put a towel in the bathroom for you.
C: Oh yeah, sorry. Sure did.
M: You're a cock.
C: What?
M: It's a Japanese expression. A chicken can't take three steps before it forgets where it's going.
C: Ah, okay, gotcha.

4. (After watching Iron Man 3)
M: What's the name of the Marvel guy again?
C: Stan Lee.
M: Is he related to Spike Lee?
C: Not that I know of babe.

5. Watching Nicki Minaj's "Stupid Hoe"
M: My grandmother gonna have heartattack watching this.

6: M: Chuck!! I just saw the craziest shit on TV! There was this truck with huge wheels that was shooting fire and running over other cars for no reason! What the hell kind of entertainment is this?!

7. (While watching the video for Bruno Mars' "Locked out of Heaven").
M: I don't believe Bruno Mars made a song about a sex tape.
C: Huh?
M: In the song he keeps saying: You sex tape me to paradise.
C: No dude, he's saying Your sex takes me to paradise.
M: Ah, okay.

8. (On our way to the airport in Michigan)
C: Wow, it's times like these that I am really glad I can read. Having to navigate through all this crap would be a bitch if I couldn't.
M: Yeah, Im really glad you're irr-literatured myself.

9. C: Are you serious?
M: Totally. Cross my heart, hope to die, and poke me in the eye with a needle.

10: M: Ah, there's a monkey fly in my stomach.
C: You mean there's butterflies in your stomach.
M: Yeah.
C: Why? You nervous?
M: No, I can't think of a word.
C: You mean it's on the tip of your tongue?
M: Yeah, that.
C: ...Where in the hell did you get "monkey flies" from?