Sh-- my Japanese Wife Says 7

The wifey catching some zzz's with the family dog. 

Not too long ago my wife was one of only 10 (out of about 20,000) who has been personally contacted by the owner of (one of ) her web business' site to discuss her business strategy. And that's one of a myriad of achievements she had had just this year. That will tell ya how smart she is. At the same time though, coming from a different culture and not being a native English speaker, she tends to make linguistic mistakes from time to time (fair enough- as I do the same thing in Japanese)... And the best of them, I just gotta share from time to time. Here is the most recent 10. 

10. Looking at my hands

C: Do you think it's weird that I have a slight bend in a few of my fingers like that? 

M: Is that from fisting people in Taekwondo for so many years? 

C: Hmmm... Punching maybe... Fisting, no, lol. 

9. At breakfast

M: Chuck what are you eating for breakfast? 

C: Oatmeal.

M: What? 

C: Oatmeal.

M: Why in the hell are you talking about cars?! 

C: No dude, OATMEAL, not automobile. 

8. While changing clothes at home, I bend over to put on my pants and totally rip a loud one.

M: Bless you. 

C: Ummm... I don't think that's how it's used, but thanks anyway, lol. 

7. While eating my Cadbury Cream Eggs at Easter

M: So what do you do at Easter in America? 

C: Ummm… Basically, you wake up and eat a bunch of junk food. 

M: How is that different from any other day in America? 

6. At the dinner table.

M: I heard that in America, people think gargling beer can make women hotter. Is that true? 

C: No dude, you're thinking of beer goggles, not beer gargles. 

5. While watching Passenger's "Let her go". 

M: He looks like Chief from Battlestar Galactica. 

(Funny thing is, she's right- he totally does). 

4. While cleaning the house

M: We need to change the light bubble in the ceiling. 

3. While out in Tokyo

M: My lips are really dry...Do you have any lip bums? 

2. While back in Michigan 

M: Is the dog okay? Do we need to take him to the Vietnam-Alien? 

C: Veteranarian

M: Whatever. 

1. While I was on crutches

M: Wow, this is my first time having lunch with a cripple. 

C: How so very sensitive of you, my dear. 

M: Don't be so insulted. If it wasn't cool there, wouldn't be a gang in LA named after them. 
C:?? 
M: You know… the guys who wear blue and fight with Bloods. 

Sh*t my Japanese Wife Says 4

Just thought it was time to share another round of awesome quotes from my amazing little wife.

1) On Ancient Greece
Mars: What were the names of those Greek guys we   talked about? Mercury and Sifilis?
Chuck: You mean Hercules and Sisyphus?
Mars: Yeah, them.

2) On Spending Money
C: Mars, Im thinking about investing some serious cash into some new camera equipment.
M: Really? If you want to do, go ahead. It's your money. But I don't wanna hear you whine and dine about how much you spent later.

3) On Long Summer Days Outside
M: Ugh, my shoes are Farmington.
C: Huh?
M: Like beer.
C: You mean fermented?
M: Yeah.
C: That still doesn't make any sense, dude.
M: I mean they stink!
C: Ah, okay, gotcha.

4) On Using Google
M: Damn it!
C: What's wrong?
M: I've been trying to find the spelling of this word for like 20 minutes, but it isn't on google.
C: What's the word?
M: "Sustificated"
C... Try "sophisticated".
A: Ah, okay! There it is. Thanks!

5) While Watching One of my Training Vids
M: You know, you are really a re-sell weapon.
C: Huh?
M: A re-sell weapon.
C: What's that?
M: Like the Bruce Willis movie.
C: Oh! A lethal weapon. Got it.

6) On English Swearing
M: The last order I made wasn't the shit.
C: Huh? You mean it wasn't the greatest?
M: Thats not what I mean.
C: So you mean it was "the shit", as in the greatest?
M: Nope.
C: So, you mean "it was shit" as in, it sucked?
M: No, I mean it wasn't nearly enough.
C: Ooooooh, you mean "It wasn't shit" then.
M: Why do you Americans make swearing so damn difficult?!!

7) On Reggae Music
(She runs to come and get me while I am shaving)
M: Chuck!! You gotta see this!!
(She turns on a reggae booty shake video on YouTube).
M: Her ass is like creature.

(After trying to imitate the video).
M: I want an ass like that...

8) On Housecleaning
M: Chuck, I want a bluemen's collector for the Balcony.
C: Huh?
M: A bluemen's collector.
C: What in the hell is a bluemen's collector? Like the group, Blue men?
M: No! BLOOM with a OO.
C: I still don't know what that is...
M: *sigh* She makes a sweeping motion.
C: Oooooh, you mean a "broom and dustpan". Gotcha.

9) While Watching "The Life of Pi"
A: What is that thing called in English?
B: A warthog.
A: Sounds like butthole.
B: What?! No dude! WARTHOG!

10) On Women's issues
M: Often when women have their time of month or get pregnant, their nipples become really sensible.

11) On Aging Hollywood Stars
C: Wow, Val Kilmer has really put on a few pounds.
(Mars walks in).
M: What did you say? (Looks at the screen). I didn't know you liked Steven Seagal movies.