Sh-- my Japanese Wife Says 7

The wifey catching some zzz's with the family dog. 

Not too long ago my wife was one of only 10 (out of about 20,000) who has been personally contacted by the owner of (one of ) her web business' site to discuss her business strategy. And that's one of a myriad of achievements she had had just this year. That will tell ya how smart she is. At the same time though, coming from a different culture and not being a native English speaker, she tends to make linguistic mistakes from time to time (fair enough- as I do the same thing in Japanese)... And the best of them, I just gotta share from time to time. Here is the most recent 10. 

10. Looking at my hands

C: Do you think it's weird that I have a slight bend in a few of my fingers like that? 

M: Is that from fisting people in Taekwondo for so many years? 

C: Hmmm... Punching maybe... Fisting, no, lol. 

9. At breakfast

M: Chuck what are you eating for breakfast? 

C: Oatmeal.

M: What? 

C: Oatmeal.

M: Why in the hell are you talking about cars?! 

C: No dude, OATMEAL, not automobile. 

8. While changing clothes at home, I bend over to put on my pants and totally rip a loud one.

M: Bless you. 

C: Ummm... I don't think that's how it's used, but thanks anyway, lol. 

7. While eating my Cadbury Cream Eggs at Easter

M: So what do you do at Easter in America? 

C: Ummm… Basically, you wake up and eat a bunch of junk food. 

M: How is that different from any other day in America? 

6. At the dinner table.

M: I heard that in America, people think gargling beer can make women hotter. Is that true? 

C: No dude, you're thinking of beer goggles, not beer gargles. 

5. While watching Passenger's "Let her go". 

M: He looks like Chief from Battlestar Galactica. 

(Funny thing is, she's right- he totally does). 

4. While cleaning the house

M: We need to change the light bubble in the ceiling. 

3. While out in Tokyo

M: My lips are really dry...Do you have any lip bums? 

2. While back in Michigan 

M: Is the dog okay? Do we need to take him to the Vietnam-Alien? 

C: Veteranarian

M: Whatever. 

1. While I was on crutches

M: Wow, this is my first time having lunch with a cripple. 

C: How so very sensitive of you, my dear. 

M: Don't be so insulted. If it wasn't cool there, wouldn't be a gang in LA named after them. 
C:?? 
M: You know… the guys who wear blue and fight with Bloods. 

Sh-- my Japanese Wife Says 5

(The wifey shopping at Home Depot)

1) While singing to myself a children's song I teach at camp.
M: Oh my god, do you really teach that to kids?
C: Yeah, why not?
M: Because you are talking about climbing on a pile of shit. That's disgusting.
C: No dude! I said, "I climbed aboard the PIRATE SHIP."

2) While visiting the states
M: That car is cute... What's it called.
C: "The Cougar"
M: Eh? You named a car after horny old women? America is amazing...

3) On getting ready for bed
M: Did you goggles?
C: Huh?
M: Sorry, I meant google.
C: Google what?
M: Listerine.
C: Why would I google listerine?
M: So you can get ready for bed.
C: Oh, you mean GARGLE.
M: Isn't that what I said?

4) On American Ice Cream
C: Hey Mars, try this ice cream. It's amazing.
M: What flavor is it?
C: Chocolate cookie dough.
M: Egh, I can't eat that.
C: Why?!
M: It's raw.
C: Yah, but you eat eggs, fish and horse raw!
M: Yeah, but cookie dough is different. No thanks.
(I finally convince her to try it).
M: Well, that tastes nothing like a cookie at all. Keep it. I'll stick with my raw fish.

5) After watching "This is the End"
By the way, did you know that James Franco was a UCLA Aluminium?

6) On the American Legal System.
C: Mars, what did you think of the George Zimmerman case?
M: I completely agreed with the prostitution. He should have gone to jail.

7) As the previous conversation continues...
By the way... What's the  meaning of the word prostitute, anyway?
A woman who sleeps with dudes for money.
I know, but I mean the word itself. Pro means professional right? And stitution is the same as institution right? Does that mean that it's a professional institution?
I guess so... Never really thought about it...

8) On American Lunches
C: Mars?
M: Yeah?
C: You know I love it when you make me American style lunches, right?
M: I know, that's why I do it. :)
C: Then the next time could you please put the peanut butter and the jelly in the same sandwich?
M: Why would I do that?
C: Because it tastes really good that way.
(Moment of silence while she processes the idea)
M: Well that's just crazy talk. Next you'll be telling me you don't want me to put salt on your watermelon.

9) On the weather
M: Chuck, be careful outside. The urologist said it's going to be super hot.
C: What? Who?
M: The weather guy.
C: Oh, you mean the meteorologist. Gotcha.

10) On High School Functions
C: Did I ever tell you about the time I was in a high school pep rally?
M: Huh? What about pepperoni?
C: No dude, pep rally.
M: Pepperoni?
C: PEP RALLY
M: (She works through it slowly) Pe-pu-ra-ri... Still sounds like pepperoni.

11) After watching "Ted"

M: What are you singing?
C: The Flash Gordon theme song.
M: How does it go?
C: Pretty simple really... Flash! Ah-ah! Savior of the Universe!
M: Damn, how many times do you Americans have to save the friggin universe?