Sh-- my Japanese Wife Says 8

While listening to Purple Haze
M: Chuck, is Jimi Hendrix gay? 
C: Not that I know of. Why? 
M: Cuz in this song, I keep hearing him say, " 'Cuze me, while I kiss this guy."

2) While watching QVC with my Moms...

M: Why does the saleswoman keep talking about midgets.  

C: When did she mention midgets? 

M: She keep saying “This shirt won’t show your midgets.” (She points at her at their stomach).

C: Ah,that’s called your Midriff. Not midgets, lol.

3) While showing her “Baby Got Back” for the first time...

M: Is he talking about Hot Dog Buns or Hamburger Buns? 

4) While trying to use new English phrases: 

M: You know what they say… “Never give a horse a blow-job.” 

C: Never look a gift-horse in the mouth. 

M: Yeah, whatever. You know what I mean. 

5) Also, while still trying to use new English phrases: 

C: Mars, do you think it will be sunny enough for a swim this afternoon. 

(She looks out at the clouds outside). 

M: Don’t hold your breasts. 

6) While driving in Michigan, and passing a sign that says "Watch Batteries":

M: What about the batteries do we need to watch for? 

7) While changing over money at the airport in Michigan: 

C: Check it out, babe. There’s a new $100 bill. 

M: Why, was there too much fornication? 

C: Forgery. 

M: Whatever. You know what I mean. 

8) While watching rap videos:

M: What was the name of the guy Eminem’s Rap God Video was done after? Harry Anderson? 

C: Max Headroom

M: Oh, that’s right. 

C: Where in the hell did you get Harry Anderson from??

9) While listening to a radio commercial about Tecomseh, Michigan:

C: I’ve never been to Tecomseh. 

M: Come see what? 

C: Tecomseh. 

M: What are you gonna come see? 

C: Tecomseh, dude. It’s a place name. 

M: To come see where?? Stop being so damn confusing!!

10) While talking about back in the day...:

C: Like most guys my age, when I was a kid, I loved He-man. 

M: You loved what?? 

C: He-man. He was an action hero with a big sword. 

M: You can’t name an action hero after that! 

(I stop and think about it). 

C: No dude, HE-man, not Hyman! 

11) While watching an interview of Neil Patrick Harris: 

M: Is that Doctor Police Box? 

C: No, that’s not Dr. Who. Different doctor. He played Doogie Houser, MD. 

M: You sure? I still think he was Dr. Police Box...

12) While feeling nauseous...:
M: Do we have any Alcatraz?
C: Alka-seltzer.
M: I still can't find the Arkansas.
C: Alka-seltzer.

Sh-- my Japanese Wife Says 7

The wifey catching some zzz's with the family dog. 

Not too long ago my wife was one of only 10 (out of about 20,000) who has been personally contacted by the owner of (one of ) her web business' site to discuss her business strategy. And that's one of a myriad of achievements she had had just this year. That will tell ya how smart she is. At the same time though, coming from a different culture and not being a native English speaker, she tends to make linguistic mistakes from time to time (fair enough- as I do the same thing in Japanese)... And the best of them, I just gotta share from time to time. Here is the most recent 10. 

10. Looking at my hands

C: Do you think it's weird that I have a slight bend in a few of my fingers like that? 

M: Is that from fisting people in Taekwondo for so many years? 

C: Hmmm... Punching maybe... Fisting, no, lol. 

9. At breakfast

M: Chuck what are you eating for breakfast? 

C: Oatmeal.

M: What? 

C: Oatmeal.

M: Why in the hell are you talking about cars?! 

C: No dude, OATMEAL, not automobile. 

8. While changing clothes at home, I bend over to put on my pants and totally rip a loud one.

M: Bless you. 

C: Ummm... I don't think that's how it's used, but thanks anyway, lol. 

7. While eating my Cadbury Cream Eggs at Easter

M: So what do you do at Easter in America? 

C: Ummm… Basically, you wake up and eat a bunch of junk food. 

M: How is that different from any other day in America? 

6. At the dinner table.

M: I heard that in America, people think gargling beer can make women hotter. Is that true? 

C: No dude, you're thinking of beer goggles, not beer gargles. 

5. While watching Passenger's "Let her go". 

M: He looks like Chief from Battlestar Galactica. 

(Funny thing is, she's right- he totally does). 

4. While cleaning the house

M: We need to change the light bubble in the ceiling. 

3. While out in Tokyo

M: My lips are really dry...Do you have any lip bums? 

2. While back in Michigan 

M: Is the dog okay? Do we need to take him to the Vietnam-Alien? 

C: Veteranarian

M: Whatever. 

1. While I was on crutches

M: Wow, this is my first time having lunch with a cripple. 

C: How so very sensitive of you, my dear. 

M: Don't be so insulted. If it wasn't cool there, wouldn't be a gang in LA named after them. 
C:?? 
M: You know… the guys who wear blue and fight with Bloods. 

Sh-- my Japanese Wife Says 5

(The wifey shopping at Home Depot)

1) While singing to myself a children's song I teach at camp.
M: Oh my god, do you really teach that to kids?
C: Yeah, why not?
M: Because you are talking about climbing on a pile of shit. That's disgusting.
C: No dude! I said, "I climbed aboard the PIRATE SHIP."

2) While visiting the states
M: That car is cute... What's it called.
C: "The Cougar"
M: Eh? You named a car after horny old women? America is amazing...

3) On getting ready for bed
M: Did you goggles?
C: Huh?
M: Sorry, I meant google.
C: Google what?
M: Listerine.
C: Why would I google listerine?
M: So you can get ready for bed.
C: Oh, you mean GARGLE.
M: Isn't that what I said?

4) On American Ice Cream
C: Hey Mars, try this ice cream. It's amazing.
M: What flavor is it?
C: Chocolate cookie dough.
M: Egh, I can't eat that.
C: Why?!
M: It's raw.
C: Yah, but you eat eggs, fish and horse raw!
M: Yeah, but cookie dough is different. No thanks.
(I finally convince her to try it).
M: Well, that tastes nothing like a cookie at all. Keep it. I'll stick with my raw fish.

5) After watching "This is the End"
By the way, did you know that James Franco was a UCLA Aluminium?

6) On the American Legal System.
C: Mars, what did you think of the George Zimmerman case?
M: I completely agreed with the prostitution. He should have gone to jail.

7) As the previous conversation continues...
By the way... What's the  meaning of the word prostitute, anyway?
A woman who sleeps with dudes for money.
I know, but I mean the word itself. Pro means professional right? And stitution is the same as institution right? Does that mean that it's a professional institution?
I guess so... Never really thought about it...

8) On American Lunches
C: Mars?
M: Yeah?
C: You know I love it when you make me American style lunches, right?
M: I know, that's why I do it. :)
C: Then the next time could you please put the peanut butter and the jelly in the same sandwich?
M: Why would I do that?
C: Because it tastes really good that way.
(Moment of silence while she processes the idea)
M: Well that's just crazy talk. Next you'll be telling me you don't want me to put salt on your watermelon.

9) On the weather
M: Chuck, be careful outside. The urologist said it's going to be super hot.
C: What? Who?
M: The weather guy.
C: Oh, you mean the meteorologist. Gotcha.

10) On High School Functions
C: Did I ever tell you about the time I was in a high school pep rally?
M: Huh? What about pepperoni?
C: No dude, pep rally.
M: Pepperoni?
C: PEP RALLY
M: (She works through it slowly) Pe-pu-ra-ri... Still sounds like pepperoni.

11) After watching "Ted"

M: What are you singing?
C: The Flash Gordon theme song.
M: How does it go?
C: Pretty simple really... Flash! Ah-ah! Savior of the Universe!
M: Damn, how many times do you Americans have to save the friggin universe?

Sh-- my Ebonic Dad Says - Best Quotes from the Late Great Lonnie Johnson

My Dad being his usual self on my Mom's last birthday.

One of the things that I will miss the most about my Dad is the fact that he was simply one of the funniest people Ive ever met. Half the time without even trying to be. As a function of that, earlier this year, I got into a habit of writing down things he would say with the eventual goal of sharing the list with him. Since his passing was relatively sudden however, I only managed to write down 12 of them, and I felt that the best thing I could do was simply share all 12 with everyone else. For better or worse, I feel that the kind of things he would say could paint a far more accurate and complete portrayal of the complexity of his character than anything I could ever write about him. While the other blog entries I wrote were more about intelligent, passionate, articulate social activist that everyone else knew, this one is about the ceaselessly comical person I grew up calling "Dad". I hope that everyone who reads this list finds it as funny as I do. Even just in typing it out, I couldn't help but smile.

12. On the weather this summer:

Hot damn, its hotter than Dutch love outside! 

11. On Skype: 

Only $10 for a few months?? Damn, you cant beat that with a stick man! 

10. On using credit cards to pay off debt:

Aww sh*it man, that just robbing Peter to pay Paul. 

 9. On politely informing someone that their dishonesty is apparent:

Well piss in my pocket and tell me it's rainin'! 

 8. On the financial crisis: 

Those damn banks are f*cking us hard, and the bastards didn't even bother to kiss us first!

 7. On hitting rock bottom: 

Man, that fool doesn't have a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out of. 

 6. On letting go of inefficient workers:

Sheee-it, one monkey didn't start no show, and it sure as hell ain't gon end it. 

 5. On partying: 

That sh*t was off tha hook! Brothas was comin' in three on a mule man! 

 4. On positively praising your friends' selection of attire:

Did you see my man's suit? Hot dog! Brotha's looking sharp as a Harlem sissy on Saturday night!

 3. On the Eye of Sauron from Lord of the Rings:

Tha sh*t looks like a big flamin' p*ssy. 

(Keep in mind that he said this outloud in a crowded movie theatre full of kids. The funny thing is though, if you look at it, he's totally right.)

 2. On Proposing to my Mom (in a KFC of all places)

Woman... There comes a time where a man has to either sh*t or get off the pot. 

 (The fact that she actually said yes to that still blows my mind).

 And the number one quote...This was the last thing he said to me on the phone before I got on the plane to come and see him before he passed.

 Mom: Be safe, love. And if you can't be safe, be careful.
 Dad: (yelling across the room): And if ya can't be careful name it after me, haha! 

 Love and miss you, Pops. You may be gone, but you're never over.