Sh-- my Japanese Wife Says 8

While listening to Purple Haze
M: Chuck, is Jimi Hendrix gay? 
C: Not that I know of. Why? 
M: Cuz in this song, I keep hearing him say, " 'Cuze me, while I kiss this guy."

2) While watching QVC with my Moms...

M: Why does the saleswoman keep talking about midgets.  

C: When did she mention midgets? 

M: She keep saying “This shirt won’t show your midgets.” (She points at her at their stomach).

C: Ah,that’s called your Midriff. Not midgets, lol.

3) While showing her “Baby Got Back” for the first time...

M: Is he talking about Hot Dog Buns or Hamburger Buns? 

4) While trying to use new English phrases: 

M: You know what they say… “Never give a horse a blow-job.” 

C: Never look a gift-horse in the mouth. 

M: Yeah, whatever. You know what I mean. 

5) Also, while still trying to use new English phrases: 

C: Mars, do you think it will be sunny enough for a swim this afternoon. 

(She looks out at the clouds outside). 

M: Don’t hold your breasts. 

6) While driving in Michigan, and passing a sign that says "Watch Batteries":

M: What about the batteries do we need to watch for? 

7) While changing over money at the airport in Michigan: 

C: Check it out, babe. There’s a new $100 bill. 

M: Why, was there too much fornication? 

C: Forgery. 

M: Whatever. You know what I mean. 

8) While watching rap videos:

M: What was the name of the guy Eminem’s Rap God Video was done after? Harry Anderson? 

C: Max Headroom

M: Oh, that’s right. 

C: Where in the hell did you get Harry Anderson from??

9) While listening to a radio commercial about Tecomseh, Michigan:

C: I’ve never been to Tecomseh. 

M: Come see what? 

C: Tecomseh. 

M: What are you gonna come see? 

C: Tecomseh, dude. It’s a place name. 

M: To come see where?? Stop being so damn confusing!!

10) While talking about back in the day...:

C: Like most guys my age, when I was a kid, I loved He-man. 

M: You loved what?? 

C: He-man. He was an action hero with a big sword. 

M: You can’t name an action hero after that! 

(I stop and think about it). 

C: No dude, HE-man, not Hyman! 

11) While watching an interview of Neil Patrick Harris: 

M: Is that Doctor Police Box? 

C: No, that’s not Dr. Who. Different doctor. He played Doogie Houser, MD. 

M: You sure? I still think he was Dr. Police Box...

12) While feeling nauseous...:
M: Do we have any Alcatraz?
C: Alka-seltzer.
M: I still can't find the Arkansas.
C: Alka-seltzer.

Sh*t my Japanese Wife Says 6

1. (While walking down the street and humming to myself)
M: Are you singing that song again?
C: Which one?
M: the one from the Movie TED... The Flash Gordon- Savior-of-the-Uterus one.

2. (While listening to an old tape I found).
M: I love old school rap! Is this Nutritious B.I.G.?

3. (Over Dinner)
C: Mars, sometimes I think you've got me wrapped around my finger.
M: What does that mean?
C: It means you have perfect control. Actually, the expression is thousands of years old. It comes from Old English Falconry.
M: Wait, Falcons are real?? I thought someone made them up for Final Fantasy...

4. (While the Metallica video for ONE on YouTube- she walks in) 
Who are these guys? They all look like Keifer Sutherland with long hair.

5. (On the good ol' days)
So, when you were younger did you ever go those old school roller coaster rinks?

6. (On life in Tokyo)
C: Shibuya was crazy today. Seems like throngs of dudes were just coming out everywhere!
M: What?! Were they arrested??
C: Why would they be arrested?
M: Because you can't do that in public.
C: Do what?
(She gestures).
M: No dude!! Not shlongs of dudes, THRONGS of dudes!
C: Ah, okay... Sorry, I'd never heard the word before.

7. (On my attitude)
Chuck, stop being such an ego-testicle!

8. (On people who need to relax)
M: That guy is so anal. Somebody needs to give him an enigma.
C: You mean Enima?
M: Yeah, whatever.

9. (On R & B artists)
How do you say Donguri in English?
Acorn.
Oh! like the singer?
No dude, that's Akon.
 (Aparently, they are spelled the same in Japanese).

10. (On Hollywood)
Wanna get a movie tonight?
Sure, how about The Hangover Games?

11. (On Irritating People)
She really pushes my nerve hairs backwards!
(She rubs me the wrong way).

Sh-- my Japanese Wife Says 5

(The wifey shopping at Home Depot)

1) While singing to myself a children's song I teach at camp.
M: Oh my god, do you really teach that to kids?
C: Yeah, why not?
M: Because you are talking about climbing on a pile of shit. That's disgusting.
C: No dude! I said, "I climbed aboard the PIRATE SHIP."

2) While visiting the states
M: That car is cute... What's it called.
C: "The Cougar"
M: Eh? You named a car after horny old women? America is amazing...

3) On getting ready for bed
M: Did you goggles?
C: Huh?
M: Sorry, I meant google.
C: Google what?
M: Listerine.
C: Why would I google listerine?
M: So you can get ready for bed.
C: Oh, you mean GARGLE.
M: Isn't that what I said?

4) On American Ice Cream
C: Hey Mars, try this ice cream. It's amazing.
M: What flavor is it?
C: Chocolate cookie dough.
M: Egh, I can't eat that.
C: Why?!
M: It's raw.
C: Yah, but you eat eggs, fish and horse raw!
M: Yeah, but cookie dough is different. No thanks.
(I finally convince her to try it).
M: Well, that tastes nothing like a cookie at all. Keep it. I'll stick with my raw fish.

5) After watching "This is the End"
By the way, did you know that James Franco was a UCLA Aluminium?

6) On the American Legal System.
C: Mars, what did you think of the George Zimmerman case?
M: I completely agreed with the prostitution. He should have gone to jail.

7) As the previous conversation continues...
By the way... What's the  meaning of the word prostitute, anyway?
A woman who sleeps with dudes for money.
I know, but I mean the word itself. Pro means professional right? And stitution is the same as institution right? Does that mean that it's a professional institution?
I guess so... Never really thought about it...

8) On American Lunches
C: Mars?
M: Yeah?
C: You know I love it when you make me American style lunches, right?
M: I know, that's why I do it. :)
C: Then the next time could you please put the peanut butter and the jelly in the same sandwich?
M: Why would I do that?
C: Because it tastes really good that way.
(Moment of silence while she processes the idea)
M: Well that's just crazy talk. Next you'll be telling me you don't want me to put salt on your watermelon.

9) On the weather
M: Chuck, be careful outside. The urologist said it's going to be super hot.
C: What? Who?
M: The weather guy.
C: Oh, you mean the meteorologist. Gotcha.

10) On High School Functions
C: Did I ever tell you about the time I was in a high school pep rally?
M: Huh? What about pepperoni?
C: No dude, pep rally.
M: Pepperoni?
C: PEP RALLY
M: (She works through it slowly) Pe-pu-ra-ri... Still sounds like pepperoni.

11) After watching "Ted"

M: What are you singing?
C: The Flash Gordon theme song.
M: How does it go?
C: Pretty simple really... Flash! Ah-ah! Savior of the Universe!
M: Damn, how many times do you Americans have to save the friggin universe?

Sh*t my Japanese Wife Says 4

Just thought it was time to share another round of awesome quotes from my amazing little wife.

1) On Ancient Greece
Mars: What were the names of those Greek guys we   talked about? Mercury and Sifilis?
Chuck: You mean Hercules and Sisyphus?
Mars: Yeah, them.

2) On Spending Money
C: Mars, Im thinking about investing some serious cash into some new camera equipment.
M: Really? If you want to do, go ahead. It's your money. But I don't wanna hear you whine and dine about how much you spent later.

3) On Long Summer Days Outside
M: Ugh, my shoes are Farmington.
C: Huh?
M: Like beer.
C: You mean fermented?
M: Yeah.
C: That still doesn't make any sense, dude.
M: I mean they stink!
C: Ah, okay, gotcha.

4) On Using Google
M: Damn it!
C: What's wrong?
M: I've been trying to find the spelling of this word for like 20 minutes, but it isn't on google.
C: What's the word?
M: "Sustificated"
C... Try "sophisticated".
A: Ah, okay! There it is. Thanks!

5) While Watching One of my Training Vids
M: You know, you are really a re-sell weapon.
C: Huh?
M: A re-sell weapon.
C: What's that?
M: Like the Bruce Willis movie.
C: Oh! A lethal weapon. Got it.

6) On English Swearing
M: The last order I made wasn't the shit.
C: Huh? You mean it wasn't the greatest?
M: Thats not what I mean.
C: So you mean it was "the shit", as in the greatest?
M: Nope.
C: So, you mean "it was shit" as in, it sucked?
M: No, I mean it wasn't nearly enough.
C: Ooooooh, you mean "It wasn't shit" then.
M: Why do you Americans make swearing so damn difficult?!!

7) On Reggae Music
(She runs to come and get me while I am shaving)
M: Chuck!! You gotta see this!!
(She turns on a reggae booty shake video on YouTube).
M: Her ass is like creature.

(After trying to imitate the video).
M: I want an ass like that...

8) On Housecleaning
M: Chuck, I want a bluemen's collector for the Balcony.
C: Huh?
M: A bluemen's collector.
C: What in the hell is a bluemen's collector? Like the group, Blue men?
M: No! BLOOM with a OO.
C: I still don't know what that is...
M: *sigh* She makes a sweeping motion.
C: Oooooh, you mean a "broom and dustpan". Gotcha.

9) While Watching "The Life of Pi"
A: What is that thing called in English?
B: A warthog.
A: Sounds like butthole.
B: What?! No dude! WARTHOG!

10) On Women's issues
M: Often when women have their time of month or get pregnant, their nipples become really sensible.

11) On Aging Hollywood Stars
C: Wow, Val Kilmer has really put on a few pounds.
(Mars walks in).
M: What did you say? (Looks at the screen). I didn't know you liked Steven Seagal movies.