10 Ways You Know You Are the Parent of a Toddler.

With my son Ty just after his 3rd birthday. 

So, after posting my last blog on my trip to Australia, I noticed and re-read another blog I had written just after my son was born, called 10 Thoughts I Had While Watching my Son's Birth. Coincidentally, my son has just turned 3, which means it's been almost exactly three years since I wrote that. As such, and given how much has changed since then, (my son is now a toddler) , I thought it might be time for my next "Daddy" post. For those who are still taking care of babies, here, my friends, is what you have to look forward to.

10 Ways you know you are the parent of a toddler: 

10. When the fresh box of tissues you put on the kitchen table in the morning has been replaced with a massive pile of crumbled tissues by the afternoon... and or tissue shreds... everywhere.

9. When the same thing happens to the fresh roll of toilet paper you put in the bathroom.

8. When you say to your wife:

"Yeah, he has diarrhea. But don't worry, he's good. I already changed his clothes, and diaper and flushed the poo down the toilet."

and she responds:

"Oh my God!!! That's the sexiest thing you've ever said!!!

7. When your son takes a massive dump in his diaper, and you are so proud of his man-sized turd that your wife has to stop you from sharing photos of it on social media.

6. When it's 5:00am and your son thinks it's important enough to wake you up to tell you that the thing on your wrist is a watch. Over and over again... until you are wide awake. And then he goes back to sleep.

5. When the songs that are constantly stuck in your head have choruses like:
"Lots of words begin with the letter B! Open a book! How many words do you see? Beginning with the letter B."

4. When your Youtube playlist consists of titles like "Rubber Duckie Monster Truck Colors".

3. When you start to worry because no one storms into the bathroom to interrupt you while you are trying to do a #2.

2. When a "fantastic meal" is any one that you can actually finish in the restaurant without worrying about yelling, crying, or having to apologize to random strangers getting hit in the face with a flying lego.

1. When you have this little creature that is sick as hell, coughing constantly, and sneezing snot rockets everywhere staring at you with outstretched arms that say "Daddy, pick me up." ...and you know that if you do, you are gonna get sick as hell too, and it's going to ruin your life for the next two weeks... but you still do it anyway; because you know that little creature is your little creature, and if it makes him feel better- even just for a minute- it's totally worth it.

Sh-- my Japanese Wife Says 5

(The wifey shopping at Home Depot)

1) While singing to myself a children's song I teach at camp.
M: Oh my god, do you really teach that to kids?
C: Yeah, why not?
M: Because you are talking about climbing on a pile of shit. That's disgusting.
C: No dude! I said, "I climbed aboard the PIRATE SHIP."

2) While visiting the states
M: That car is cute... What's it called.
C: "The Cougar"
M: Eh? You named a car after horny old women? America is amazing...

3) On getting ready for bed
M: Did you goggles?
C: Huh?
M: Sorry, I meant google.
C: Google what?
M: Listerine.
C: Why would I google listerine?
M: So you can get ready for bed.
C: Oh, you mean GARGLE.
M: Isn't that what I said?

4) On American Ice Cream
C: Hey Mars, try this ice cream. It's amazing.
M: What flavor is it?
C: Chocolate cookie dough.
M: Egh, I can't eat that.
C: Why?!
M: It's raw.
C: Yah, but you eat eggs, fish and horse raw!
M: Yeah, but cookie dough is different. No thanks.
(I finally convince her to try it).
M: Well, that tastes nothing like a cookie at all. Keep it. I'll stick with my raw fish.

5) After watching "This is the End"
By the way, did you know that James Franco was a UCLA Aluminium?

6) On the American Legal System.
C: Mars, what did you think of the George Zimmerman case?
M: I completely agreed with the prostitution. He should have gone to jail.

7) As the previous conversation continues...
By the way... What's the  meaning of the word prostitute, anyway?
A woman who sleeps with dudes for money.
I know, but I mean the word itself. Pro means professional right? And stitution is the same as institution right? Does that mean that it's a professional institution?
I guess so... Never really thought about it...

8) On American Lunches
C: Mars?
M: Yeah?
C: You know I love it when you make me American style lunches, right?
M: I know, that's why I do it. :)
C: Then the next time could you please put the peanut butter and the jelly in the same sandwich?
M: Why would I do that?
C: Because it tastes really good that way.
(Moment of silence while she processes the idea)
M: Well that's just crazy talk. Next you'll be telling me you don't want me to put salt on your watermelon.

9) On the weather
M: Chuck, be careful outside. The urologist said it's going to be super hot.
C: What? Who?
M: The weather guy.
C: Oh, you mean the meteorologist. Gotcha.

10) On High School Functions
C: Did I ever tell you about the time I was in a high school pep rally?
M: Huh? What about pepperoni?
C: No dude, pep rally.
M: Pepperoni?
C: PEP RALLY
M: (She works through it slowly) Pe-pu-ra-ri... Still sounds like pepperoni.

11) After watching "Ted"

M: What are you singing?
C: The Flash Gordon theme song.
M: How does it go?
C: Pretty simple really... Flash! Ah-ah! Savior of the Universe!
M: Damn, how many times do you Americans have to save the friggin universe?

Sh*t my Japanese Wife Says: Part 3

With the Mrs. in Harajuku

Recently, Mars and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary. As we continue to work through this odd little living situation that we commonly refer to as "marriage" she continues to keep me thoroughly entertained just with all the funny little things she says. The following is the latest installment. More to come again soon, Im sure. :)

1. Friend: Chuck, I think your wife here is a very rare kind of girl.
M: Thank you so much for saying so.
M: (Whispering to me): Chuck, why did he just call me half-cooked?

2. Chuck: Mars, do you remember what the seat I proposed to you at looked like? There's so many along this river, I can't remember which one it was.
M: It had a strange shape. It was either an rectagon, an octangle, or a decepticon.



3. M: Did you forget already? I put a towel in the bathroom for you.
C: Oh yeah, sorry. Sure did.
M: You're a cock.
C: What?
M: It's a Japanese expression. A chicken can't take three steps before it forgets where it's going.
C: Ah, okay, gotcha.

4. (After watching Iron Man 3)
M: What's the name of the Marvel guy again?
C: Stan Lee.
M: Is he related to Spike Lee?
C: Not that I know of babe.

5. Watching Nicki Minaj's "Stupid Hoe"
M: My grandmother gonna have heartattack watching this.

6: M: Chuck!! I just saw the craziest shit on TV! There was this truck with huge wheels that was shooting fire and running over other cars for no reason! What the hell kind of entertainment is this?!

7. (While watching the video for Bruno Mars' "Locked out of Heaven").
M: I don't believe Bruno Mars made a song about a sex tape.
C: Huh?
M: In the song he keeps saying: You sex tape me to paradise.
C: No dude, he's saying Your sex takes me to paradise.
M: Ah, okay.

8. (On our way to the airport in Michigan)
C: Wow, it's times like these that I am really glad I can read. Having to navigate through all this crap would be a bitch if I couldn't.
M: Yeah, Im really glad you're irr-literatured myself.

9. C: Are you serious?
M: Totally. Cross my heart, hope to die, and poke me in the eye with a needle.

10: M: Ah, there's a monkey fly in my stomach.
C: You mean there's butterflies in your stomach.
M: Yeah.
C: Why? You nervous?
M: No, I can't think of a word.
C: You mean it's on the tip of your tongue?
M: Yeah, that.
C: ...Where in the hell did you get "monkey flies" from?

Sh-- my Japanese Wife Says

Mars and I on our wedding day

Well, now that Mari and I have tied the knot, it would seem as though I can no longer call this "Sh-- my Japanese girlfriend says." However, as long as our relationship continues, (and as long as she still continues to focus on other languages besides English) I have a feeling that this will not be the last time I post this blog either. Hope you find it as entertaining as I did when she actually said all this stuff.

On shopping for the home:
M: Chuck, I think we need a Thermo-detector.
C: A what?
M: You know, the armpit thing that says temperature.
C: Ahh, you mean a thermometer. Got it.

While we are listening to "We are Young":
M: Chuck, why is this guy singing to R. Kelly?
C: What do you mean?
M: In the song, he keeps saying, "R. Kelly, you're home."
C: No Mars, he's saying, "I'll carry you home."

On selling things through the internet: 
I can't believe Amaz*n takes 20%! They are IT Yakuza.

On watching movies: 
M: Chuck, what's that one movie... its suspense and there's police, and they are asking a retard.
C: ...? Wait...you mean The Usual Suspects?
M: Yeah, that!

While watching Dark Shadows:
C: I wonder what Succubus means...
M: A female demon who comes to men while they are sleeping to seduce them and steal their semen.
C: How in the hell do you know that?!
M: Chuck, this is Japan. Haven't you ever played videogames here?

On work relations: 
M: Working with that company really fattagews me.
C: Huh?
M: It fattagews me.
C:...?
M: Fattagew. You know, F-A-T-I-G-U-E. Geez, Chuck. Learn to speak English.

On Facebook:
M: Eh? What is this "poke" thing?
C: Its just so people can get your attention or remind you that they are out there.
M: Really? Is there a "F--- you" poke?

On Family:
M: Chuck, when your Mom comes to visit, I don't know how we are going to get her around without wiping her off.
C: Huh? What would we need to wipe her off for?
M: Eh? You know what I mean. Make her tired.
C: Ahh... You are afraid of wiping her OUT. Gotcha.

On Personal Computing:
M: Chuck, I was really having a hard time with that DVD player. I just couldn't get it to ejectulate.

On History:
M: Chuck, is Brad Pitt named after Dracula?
C: No...why would you think Brad Pitt is named after Dracula?
M: Dracula's real name was Brad the impaler wasn't it?

On the entertainment industry:
C: Its really a bummer to hear about that actor ending up in jail because he was stealing because he was broke.
M: Yeah, it is. But I'm sure he's not the only one. He is just the corner of the glacier.
C: You mean tip of the iceberg?
M: Yeah, that.

On Venus Flytraps:
M: Chuck when are you going to get Vlad (my venus flytrap) an endorsement?
C: Huh?
M: Didn't you say Venus Flytraps get endorsements for the winter?
C: Get endorsements? You mean "go dormant"?
M: Ahh, yeah, that.

Sh-- my Japanese Girlfriend Says

Mari at her Dad's place in Tokyo.

My fiancé Mari is one of the most brilliant people I've ever met. In addition to running her own company (she started her first business when she was 18), English is only one of a multitude of languages she speaks (we are currently studying Chinese and Spanish together), and she learned pretty much all of them all her own.

One of the interesting things about our relationship however is the fact that despite that, her near-perfect memory, and how quickly she learns, she still hasn't quite mastered the subtle nuances of my language and culture any more than I have hers. As a function of that, on the downside, it means we need to be extra-careful about communicating clearly, but on the plus-side, it also means that much like much like my Pops, she tends to say things that I find to be ceaselessly entertaining.

The following list consists of my personal favorite conversations thus far, and provided she continues to be cool with it, I look forward to sharing more of them. Im still trying to get her to make a similar list of sh-- I say (and do) in Japanese... If she does, I will be sure to get that up as well.

17. After she got home from work
MARI: Ahh... I really need to rewind.
CHUCK: You mean "unwind"?
MARI: Yeah, that.

16. Getting ready to go to Bali
M: Chuck, can you call the hotel and get a confirmination?
C: Sure babe, I'll confirminate our reservation immediately.

15. After a business deal went sour
M: I couldn't believe that they tried that! I was soooo pissed! I outta sue them! I deserve constipation damn it!
C: .... You mean compensation?
M: Yeah that!

14. After dinner
M: Ugh! What is that smell?!
C: Whoops... Sorry about that babe... It was the beans.
(She goes to look up something in her electronic dictionary)
M: You are... bio-chemical weapon.

13. As I come into the bathroom, and see her on her knees with her head behind the toilet
C: Mars, what are you looking for? 
M: Justice.
(Still have no idea what she meant by that one.)

12. While watching "The Bodyguard"
C: Mars, you don't know who Dolly Parton is?
M: Never heard of him.
C:  Dolly Parton isn't a guy.
M: She's not an ex-girlfriend is she?
*The theme song,"I will always love you." was originally sung by Dolly Parton. 

11. At the video store
C: Hey babe, have you seen "The Last King of Scotland" yet?
M: No, that's the movie with Forest Whiskers right?

M: Why don't we get a fantasy movie... Like the Chronicles of Armenia.
(Im guessing she meant Narnia).

10. While I'm watching videos on YouTube
M: Chuck, who is that?
C: That's Spike Lee.
M: Really?! He's black?! I'll be damned...all this time I thought he was Chinese....
 (The funny thing is, she argued with me for about 20 minutes on this one...finally she had to google other pictures of him to confirminate it.) 

9. Later on.
M: Is that Mike Tyson?
C: No babe.... That's Michael Jordan.

8. Later on still...
M: Chuck, I really wanna see that documentary about Revlon. 
C: Which documentary about Revlon?
M: You know...the basketball player in the Drake video, "Forever".
C: .... (a few minutes later). Oh, you mean, Lebron?!
 (In Japanese, much like Korean and Chinese, there is no differentiate between R / L, and B / V) 

7. While discussing videogames
 M: Are Mario and Luigi Mexicans?

6. While getting dinner ready
M: Chuck, you need to eat your Massacre Tears before it goes bad. You've been saving it for forever now.
C: My what?
M: The chocolate bar you brought back from the states.
C: Oh, you mean my 3 Muskateers?

5. While shopping for books on Amazon
M: Chuck, what was that book you told me about? Catch Me in the Lye?


4. While thinking about the future
M: Chuck, if we have kids, what religion are we going to raise them as?
C: I don't know... I'm a Christian, so Christian, I guess.
M: Does that mean if it's a boy, we'll have to get him circumstanced?

3. During a political discussion
C: Mars, are you familiar with the term, Uncle Sam?
M: Yeah, that's the ex-slave guy, right?
C: No Mars, thats Uncle Tom.
M: Oh, then you mean the guy on the rice box?
C: No Mars, thats Uncle Ben.
M: Why do you Americans have so many uncles?

2. During a different political discussion
C: Mars, do you know the word, "Derogatory"
M: Yeah, that's the place in-betwen heaven and hell, right?
C: No babe, thats purgatory.

 And the number one cutest and funniest thing she's ever said:

1. Before dinner 
C: Hey babe, is that chicken ready yet? What's taking so long?
M: Damn it Chuck! Be patient! Don't leave your panties in a bush!
 (I'm assuming she meant, Don't get your panties in a bunch).